1. Former NBA player Charles Shackleford:
“I can go right, I can go left, I’m amphibious.”
Really, Charles? I give you props for being the first openly cold-blooded vertebrate to play in the NBA, but I’m not sure your froginess has anything to do with your ability to move to your right and left.
Shackleford had a ho-hum NBA career over six seasons with four teams. Perhaps the most salient contribution of his career was this gem of a quote. He remains a sporting pioneer for frogs, newts, and serpents worldwide.
2. NBA player Metta World Peace on former coach Mike Brown:
“Mike wasn’t out there guarding Kevin Durant, that was me. Mike didn’t miss that 3-point shot. I missed it. Mike didn’t come into camp out of shape...Wait...he did come in out of shape. Mike is a fat ass".
Whether he’s blustering on the court or speaking to reporters, World Peace has a penchant for being entertaining and authentic.
After a loss to the Thunder in 2012, World Peace took blame for his team’s poor performance--thereby diverting some of the heat off of his head coach--but not before pot-shotting Brown about his heft. This manner of stream-of-consciousness rambling makes World Peace one of the most quotable players in the NBA today.
3. Former NFL running back George Rogers:
“I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”
Rogers’ career was prosperous: The hardy RB won the Heisman Trophy, made two NFL pro bowls, and won a Super Bowl Championship. He accomplished all of this despite being extremely numerically challenged.
Granted, counting all the way to 1,000 is tedious. For all we know, perhaps Rogers would have stumbled upon 1,500 on his journey to 1,000 and the universe would have caved in on itself. Let’s leave this highfalutin math stuff to the scientists so the athletes can just play.
4. Former NFL QB Joe Theismann:
Theismann was close to being right about this one--he’s just a bit off the mark on the details.
“Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”
Theismann, of course, meant to refer to theoretical physicist Albert Einstein; who developed the theory of relativity among other momentous discoveries. Relative to Einstein, Theismann is a miserly blockhead, though Joe still was still poised enough to win an NFL MVP award and make two Pro Bowls.
We shouldn’t be too hard on Theismann. He had a meritorious career, and was merely trying to shed a humble perspective on his craft with this famous quote. If anything, the “Norman” only makes the quote more veritable.
5. Pro Golfer Greg Norman:
Allegedly an “Australian human,” Greg Norman spent 331 weeks as the world's Number 1 Official World Golf Rankings ranked golfer in the 1980s and 1990s. This quote, however, reveals that Norman’s otherworldly match play may be attributable to him being an extraterrestrial humanoid.
“I owe a lot to my parents. Especially my mother and father.”
Genetically and biologically, you see, humans have two parents--one mom and one dad. Norman acknowledges his mom and dad in this famous quote. Who is he leaving out? How many parents does Norman have? Was he born of a progenic swarm of space golfers sent to whack balls and wreak havoc upon the Earth?
6. Former MLB star Alex Rodriguez:
Dumb quotes can be a good thing. They can be dumb.
“Therapy can be a good thing. It can be therapeutic.”
A-Rod had a successful albeit turbulent career. Amid cheating scandals and occasional jackass behavior, Rodriguez swatted nearly 700 career homers and cashed in 2086 RBI. In a vacuum--without the whole HGH scandal--the infielder had one of the best offensive careers in MLB history.
Under the scrutiny of New York’s intense media spotlight, however, A-Rod was prone to say some...questionable things. This quote stands out as perhaps Rodriguez’s silliest and most redundant.
7. Former MLB player Tito Fuentes
“They shouldn’t throw at me. I’m the father of five or six kids.”
Fuentes enjoyed a 13-year MLB career from 1965-1978. The Cuban infielder made hundreds of thousands of dollars from his lofty vocation, which may have lent Fuentes to be very generous with his seed--too generous to keep track of apparently.
Intentionally throwing at batters is still a serious, polarizing phenomenon in baseball. These men are not merely athletically gifted meatbags who exist for our amusement; they have families and complex lives. Hurling a 95-plus mph fastball at someone on purpose is deplorable. It’s especially disgusting to throw at someone who’s too addled to know how many kids he has.
I hope pitchers took Fuentes’s heed and stopped throwing at him--after all he has a countless brood to take care of. There are, like, five or twenty or something little Fuentes tots he needs to take care of if he remembers who and where they are. It’s hard to keep track of these things.
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